Little Miss Ill-Mannered

Chris and I are working really hard to teach Gwen manners. To be honest, we've been working on that for a long, long time. And there is no end in sight. I had no idea it would be this much work: she is a smart kid, she picks things up in a hurry. But apparently learning to recognize the appropriate use of "please" is very different from learning to recognize a dog and identify the noise it makes.


And let me just say right now: Thank you, Mom and Dad. Thank you, Chris's Mom and Dad. Thank you so much for spending what I can only conclude added up to years of your lives, reminding us over and over and over to say Please and Thank You. We are better people because of you. If you think you might get some joy out of watching us go through the same struggle ... well, please read on.


So. Gwen has known the words Please and Thank You for quite some time now. She learned the sign for Please before she was even verbal, so that was well over a year ago. I suppose it's stupid of me to expect that once she knew the word and what it meant, she would just use it every time. This is an actual conversation that takes place in our house about ten frajillion times a day:


Mama: Gwen, do you want a snack?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.
Mama: Would you like an apple, or a banana?
Gwen: Apple.
Mama: Apple, please.
Gwen: Apple, please.
Mama: Would you like some crackers, too?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.


Repeat, repeat, repeat. Gwen's Uncle Mikey was barely able to contain his giggles when he was treated to the following piece of performance art a few weeks ago on our Circle Tour:


Mama: Gwen, do you want this cookie?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.
Mama: Gwen, do you want this cookie?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.
Mama: Gwen, do you want this cookie?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.
Mama: Gwen, do you want this cookie?
Gwen: Yuh.
Mama: Yes, please.
Gwen: Yes, please.


It probably went on for about 20 more rounds before I just said, "Gwen, do you want this cookie? Yes, please," in response to which she said, "Yes, please," and I got to give her the damn cookie and get on with my life. To make matters worse, that "Yuh" which is her default response is so maddeningly rude and ignorant-sounding. It's kind of drawn-out and has a bit of an upward inflection at the end, so it sounds kind of like a sarcastic teenager responding to a question s/he can't BELIEVE you were stupid enough to ask, like DUH, of COURSE there were lobsters at the birth of our Lord. I get to listen to that intonation hundreds of times a day. It does not put me in a happy mood.


Similarly, if you offer her something she does not want, the response is "NO," said with the same "How could you be so ignorant as to offer me that?" inflection. You can almost see her eyes rolling. Sometimes she actually gets a bit enraged that we have been so inconsiderate, and we find ourselves backpedalling madly. "Okay, Gwen, it's okay, you don't HAVE to have a banana, we were just asking. Hey, wait a second - all you have to say is No, Thank You. It's actually YOU who have no manners, not us!"


(We don't actually say that last part, but it is OH SO TRUE.)


The weekend before last, Chris was away at a martial arts seminar and so I spent the entire time with Gwen and no backup. This was actually quite different from the time we spent together on our trip because there were no other friends or family to distract us: just Mama and Gwen, hanging out for two and a half days. And after two and a half days of her imperious demands and complete disregard for manners, I was completely drained. She's impulsive, controlling, has no regard for others and absolutely no patience for Her Will Not Being Done. PLUS she's emotionally unstable. I felt like I'd spent sixty hours with an abusive person - one who doesn't even have the good graces to manipulate you with subtlety and charm. She's just balls-out RUDE. And I know she doesn't mean to be, but it just wears you down, you know? Living with this tiny person and her huge demands. Reminding her eleventy-katrillion times a day to say Please and Thank You and feeling like you're talking to a void because two seconds later she will need to be reminded again.


Only, once in a while all the wheels in her head turn at the right time and she suddenly says, "I'd like some milk please, Mama," and it is honestly like the heavens open up and the sun beams down and the angels sing and there is nothing I would rather do than go get her a glass of milk. And I tell her a dozen times how nice it was to hear those beautiful manners, and thank her, and kiss her and pat her on the back, and praise the everlovin' snot out of her (oh, if only) and give her the milk and ask her if she'd like some crackers and she says, "Yuh," and I want to put my head through a wall.


Just one more example of her advanced language skills biting her (well, me) in the ass as I expect her manners to be at the same level as the rest of her speech. But I guess manners are a pretty challenging thing to learn. They're so vague and intangible. Why else would a child be able to put together a sentence like "The mommy is pushing the baby in the stroller," and then say, "Want a SNACK!" Both are observations, why does one need these extra niceties like Please? No wonder it's confusing.


We plug away at it. Other people seem to think her manners are pretty good: they see the puppet, not the strings (or the exhausted, exasperated puppeteer parents who can cajole "Say PLEASE," even while fast asleep or involved in a separate conversation twelve feet away or both). So I guess we're on the right track and it'll all fall into place eventually ...

...please?