I wonder if I give off the wrong impression about pregnancy.
When I write my journal entries about what symptoms I'm experiencing, and the ideas I have for labour and birth, does it sound like I hate this whole thing?
There's no easy way to express the truth of the matter: that the adventure of pregnancy is often not negative or positive, but just "other" than what I'm used to.
When I go back and re-read my entries, they do sound pretty complainy. Even when I'm trying to phrase things as neutrally as I can - for example, saying that my yoga workout was a challenge because I'm in a whole different body - sounds like I feel negatively about that concept. But I don't. I don't feel negatively about my body being so different from what I'm used to. I don't feel negatively about my emotions and thoughts being so much less under my control. I don't feel negatively about the fact that most of the time, I don't feel much like "me" as I've come to define myself.
This would be the perfect place to say, "I love it! It's amazing! The birds are singing and the flowers are blooming and the world is such a blissful, perfect place!" to counteract the perceived negativity. Only, I can't really do that either. I do love being pregnant, but not because it's so fun and blissful and positive - I love it because it's different, it's an experience I'll never have again, it's so completely other than normal everyday existence. I love it most of all, of course, for the end result of a baby. But I also appreciate it for what it is.
The problem is, when I ponder how pregnancy feels and the amazing otherness of it all, it sure sounds like I'm complaining. How else would you interpret phrases like, "I don't feel like myself", "I'm not used to this new body", and "my thoughts and emotions aren't under my control"? Negative connotations abound.
I really want to tell the truth about my pregnancy in this journal. I want my friends who haven't experienced pregnancy to see a real picture of how it feels - though of course their own future pregnancies may be very different. I want to record it for myself, and for my child if s/he chooses to read it someday. I don't want to paint it too rosily or too bleak.
I'll keep working on it.
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