This morning, I walked into Chris's office and said the following:
"I am going to put all our baby books away in a box and not look at them again until Gwen is three months old. They all contradict each other anyway and I am making myself crazy and after all we still have the internet if we have specific questions."
Chris said: "I support your decision!"
The Baby Whisperer in particular was the straw that broke my back. It makes such a strong point of starting its concepts from Day One, that all it did was make me feel guilty and miserable for letting over a month go by. And yet, millions of people have not read this book, and all of their babies sleep through the night eventually, so really? How ridiculous. I am starting to think that parenting books and women's magazines have a common goal, namely the perpetuation of fear and self-doubt. Thus? Into the box they go!
(Plus, I've noticed that a few weeks ago - before I did a sleep log, before I researched how much sleep Gwen 'should' be getting and how I should be facilitating that, before I had any expectations about how she 'should' respond when I followed the instructions from whatever book I was reading - I was wayyyyy more accepting and wayyyyy less frazzled. In other words, I still wasn't getting any sleep, but I didn't expect anything different, so it worked. It was hard, but I was functioning.)
New subject: Healthy Beginnings drop-in. I went to this group yesterday with my friend Tricia. Tricia deserves introduction as she will likely be mentioned here often. She was a friend of Chris's from his college days, someone I'd met a few times but didn't have much in common with. UNTIL the day we found out that she was pregnant and due a week after me. Then we had tons to talk about! We went to pre-natal yoga together, swapped maternity clothes back and forth, compared notes on whatever bizarre symptoms we were having. Thanks to Gwen being born 10 days early and Tricia's son Reilley being born a week late, they are actually almost 4 weeks apart, but we still have SO much to talk about.
Yesterday was my first time meeting Reilley, at 2 weeks old, and the four of us went to the Healthy Beginnings drop-in at the Health Unit. What a trip! We walked into the room to find it packed with strollers, and a large group of moms (no dads, sadly) and babies of various ages sitting in a circle and doing all the things that moms and babies do. It was so weird to see the same five activities I do all damn day... feeding/changing/soothing/burping/walking the baby ... being done by all these other moms. At any given time, five or six of them were doing each of these activities.
There were some familiar faces from our pre-natal classes and our pre-natal yoga, including Chai from this post. In contrast to last time I'd seen her, when by her own admission she was having quite a rough time, she was now completely comfortable and casual, having a breeze of a time and really enjoying her beautiful son Coen. Who is now four months old. It really gives me hope that the Three Month Legend is true (ie, that everything magically gets easier at that point!). Only six weeks to go until that mystical milestone is reached.
In the meantime, I really enjoyed getting out and meeting other women who are all experiencing the same things, sharing what was working and what wasn't, having a comfortable place to just hang out and do the same things I do every day but with a different set of four walls to stare at and also a lot of great company to chat with. Tricia and I agreed we'd be doing that on a regular basis.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The Guilt, and the Worry, and the Worry, and the Guilt ...
I didn't expect to be a bigtime WorryMama, but oh my goodness. Is this hormonal? Will it go away? Or do I have to have another kid before I can relax already and stop beating myself up?
Yesterday's massage was fan-freaking-tastic. Actually, the bliss started as soon as I walked out of the house and got into my car. After a few blocks I realized I could turn up the music as loud as I wanted. When I got to the massage place and got undressed and lay down on the table, I realized that this was the first time in over five weeks that I knew with 100% certainty that I could lie down for a full hour with no one interrupting me. At that point, I didn't even care if the RMT came in and rubbed my sore muscles - just lying there would have been enough! (She did, though, and it was complete heaven - she gave me such a deep massage that my back and shoulders almost feel bruised today.)
On the way home I realized with some jealousy that Chris gets to do that every day - not get massaged, but leave the house and have interruption-free time. He disagrees, saying that his cell phone is his tool of interruption, but I don't think it's quite the same. His cell phone doesn't chew on his nipples, I'll bet. Nor does it start having a total meltdown if he doesn't pay attention to it within 10 seconds.
Anyway, back to the worry and the guilt. I feel a little guilty that I don't feel too guilty about leaving Gwen yesterday. I feel a little worried that I'm not a good Mom because I didn't worry about her while I was gone. I thought walking out the door would be really hard, but it was the easiest thing in the world. There's totally something wrong with me!
And that's not all. I'm worried that the sleep problems are never going to work themselves out, and that if I don't take charge and fix them we'll still be waking up three times a night when she's 5 years old. I'm worried that if I don't take the exact right approach with fixing them, I'll ruin her life (and ours). I'm worried that it's already too late, as at least one baby book tells me that I should start as I mean to go on and set up a predictable routine (not schedule, but routine) from Day One and since I'm already 40 days overdue, everything is RUINED. (Mind you this same book has a little "what kind of baby do you have" quiz, and I don't know how you could complete that quiz if you were, as instructed, reading that book before baby's birth.)
I feel guilty that I don't enjoy Gwen enough or stimulate her in the right ways because I'm too exhausted to do anything more than count down to her next naptime. I feel guilty because no one at the hospital offered to take her hand or foot prints, and now she's nearly six weeks old and it feels like it's too late to do it and somehow failing to record the size of her feet and hands makes me a bad and unappreciative mother. I feel guilty that I don't force her to do tummy time because she so clearly hates it (but shouldn't she do it more, then, so she gets used to it?) I feel guilty when she screams hysterically in the bath, because it makes me feel like she doesn't trust us to take care of her and keep her safe. I feel guilty that I don't even *know* if she's reaching her milestones because she spends all her time either nursing or sleeping or swaddled. I feel guilty because if she is swaddled so much she might never learn to control her limbs, but it's the only thing that makes her happy during her awake times and makes her fall asleep at bedtime.
The Worry. The Guilt. The Guilt. The Worry. They chase their tails in my brain all day long. Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this?
Yesterday's massage was fan-freaking-tastic. Actually, the bliss started as soon as I walked out of the house and got into my car. After a few blocks I realized I could turn up the music as loud as I wanted. When I got to the massage place and got undressed and lay down on the table, I realized that this was the first time in over five weeks that I knew with 100% certainty that I could lie down for a full hour with no one interrupting me. At that point, I didn't even care if the RMT came in and rubbed my sore muscles - just lying there would have been enough! (She did, though, and it was complete heaven - she gave me such a deep massage that my back and shoulders almost feel bruised today.)
On the way home I realized with some jealousy that Chris gets to do that every day - not get massaged, but leave the house and have interruption-free time. He disagrees, saying that his cell phone is his tool of interruption, but I don't think it's quite the same. His cell phone doesn't chew on his nipples, I'll bet. Nor does it start having a total meltdown if he doesn't pay attention to it within 10 seconds.
Anyway, back to the worry and the guilt. I feel a little guilty that I don't feel too guilty about leaving Gwen yesterday. I feel a little worried that I'm not a good Mom because I didn't worry about her while I was gone. I thought walking out the door would be really hard, but it was the easiest thing in the world. There's totally something wrong with me!
And that's not all. I'm worried that the sleep problems are never going to work themselves out, and that if I don't take charge and fix them we'll still be waking up three times a night when she's 5 years old. I'm worried that if I don't take the exact right approach with fixing them, I'll ruin her life (and ours). I'm worried that it's already too late, as at least one baby book tells me that I should start as I mean to go on and set up a predictable routine (not schedule, but routine) from Day One and since I'm already 40 days overdue, everything is RUINED. (Mind you this same book has a little "what kind of baby do you have" quiz, and I don't know how you could complete that quiz if you were, as instructed, reading that book before baby's birth.)
I feel guilty that I don't enjoy Gwen enough or stimulate her in the right ways because I'm too exhausted to do anything more than count down to her next naptime. I feel guilty because no one at the hospital offered to take her hand or foot prints, and now she's nearly six weeks old and it feels like it's too late to do it and somehow failing to record the size of her feet and hands makes me a bad and unappreciative mother. I feel guilty that I don't force her to do tummy time because she so clearly hates it (but shouldn't she do it more, then, so she gets used to it?) I feel guilty when she screams hysterically in the bath, because it makes me feel like she doesn't trust us to take care of her and keep her safe. I feel guilty that I don't even *know* if she's reaching her milestones because she spends all her time either nursing or sleeping or swaddled. I feel guilty because if she is swaddled so much she might never learn to control her limbs, but it's the only thing that makes her happy during her awake times and makes her fall asleep at bedtime.
The Worry. The Guilt. The Guilt. The Worry. They chase their tails in my brain all day long. Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this?
Monday, June 2, 2008
The sling, and nursing (again)
Whenever I take Gwen out in the sling I get a lot of comments and compliments on it, including, "Oh my goodness, you could just nurse her in that thing and no one would be the wiser!" And then I hear the old chestnut about the woman who goes about her grocery shopping while happily (and discreetly) nursing her contented baby in a sling. True in theory. But this woman must have a baby who doesn't lose her latch every 30 seconds, requiring Happy Discreet Woman to perform all kinds of bizarre acrobatics to get her re-latched around the confines of the sling. Do babies get better at staying on after 3 months, or is Gwen just an anomaly?
(I'm currently skimming (too sleep-deprived for real reading) The Baby Whisperer, who advises that if a baby pops off the breast, it means she's done eating. The Baby Whisperer has clearly never seen my little girl get hysterical with the rooting after she pops off.)
Anyway, if you think I talk too damn much about the nursing, please go read this post by my friend Amber which had me laughing out loud. It perfectly sums up a day in a new mom's life, and drives home the point that it doesn't really matter what you plan to do with your day or what kind of exotic location you plan to do it in, what you will really be doing with 90% of your waking time is nursing the baby. Maybe this is why new moms don't tend to leave the house all that much, because the scenery may change but the song remains the same!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
This afternoon shall be an exciting first: I am finally, finally, FINALLY, after talking about it for about 5 weeks, going to go get a well-deserved massage, leaving Chris with the baby and a 3-oz serving of pumped breastmilk. I am both excited and a little anxious, though I don't really know *why* I'm anxious, it just somehow seems like I should be. Hopefully the massage will counteract that nicely :-)
(I'm currently skimming (too sleep-deprived for real reading) The Baby Whisperer, who advises that if a baby pops off the breast, it means she's done eating. The Baby Whisperer has clearly never seen my little girl get hysterical with the rooting after she pops off.)
Anyway, if you think I talk too damn much about the nursing, please go read this post by my friend Amber which had me laughing out loud. It perfectly sums up a day in a new mom's life, and drives home the point that it doesn't really matter what you plan to do with your day or what kind of exotic location you plan to do it in, what you will really be doing with 90% of your waking time is nursing the baby. Maybe this is why new moms don't tend to leave the house all that much, because the scenery may change but the song remains the same!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
This afternoon shall be an exciting first: I am finally, finally, FINALLY, after talking about it for about 5 weeks, going to go get a well-deserved massage, leaving Chris with the baby and a 3-oz serving of pumped breastmilk. I am both excited and a little anxious, though I don't really know *why* I'm anxious, it just somehow seems like I should be. Hopefully the massage will counteract that nicely :-)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
LOLbabies
So, you might be wondering - how does Gwen feel about baths?
Apparently she's going to stop hating them aaaaaany time now. (Tonight was bath #5, and the Hate is still Strong.)
Apparently she's going to stop hating them aaaaaany time now. (Tonight was bath #5, and the Hate is still Strong.)
Word Problems for the Modern Mom
(This is the stuff they *should* make you do at baby showers, instead of word scrambles for words like diaper, soother, and sleep.)
1. You have just changed your baby's diaper using a folding changetable in a public washroom. On the table in front of you are the baby, the dirty diaper, the diaper bag, and the changepad, which needs to go back in the diaper bag. You cannot leave the baby unattended and you cannot fold the changepad with one hand. How do you proceed? Use diagrams if necessary.
2. The experts say your baby needs 3 naps a day totalling 6-7 hours of sleep, and a total of 15-16 hours of sleep per 24 hours. How much nighttime sleep is your baby meant to get? Bonus question: Once you've determined the nap schedule, how do you teach your baby to stick to it? What naptime/sleep schedule would you propose for the baby? Show your work.
3. In order for both your baby and your breasts to be healthy and comfortable, it's important to spend equal time nursing on each side. At baby's last feeding, you nursed on the right side. This has the added bonus of ending with her in the correct position to slip easily into her cradle with her head at the end that is shown on the video monitor. At her next feeding, which side do you feed her on? Feeding her on the left means you either have to put her down at the non-video-monitored side, or perform a complex swoop-and-turn maneuver before putting her down, which might wake her up. If you feed on the right, her face will be in view of the video monitor, but your left breast will swell to twice the size of the right. What do you do? Explain your reasoning.
______________
(Yesterday was a hellish day, but last night was pure awesome. We went through a whole bedtime routine, lulled Gwen into sleep, crept quietly out of the room, and five minutes later she woke up - but didn't fuss, and in fact put herself back to sleep a few minutes later. She spent the entire night in her cradle in her very own room, which is a first. I still had to get up for three nightly feeds, but they all lasted less than 20 minutes and ended with her going back to sleep easily. Please may all nights be like this?)
1. You have just changed your baby's diaper using a folding changetable in a public washroom. On the table in front of you are the baby, the dirty diaper, the diaper bag, and the changepad, which needs to go back in the diaper bag. You cannot leave the baby unattended and you cannot fold the changepad with one hand. How do you proceed? Use diagrams if necessary.
2. The experts say your baby needs 3 naps a day totalling 6-7 hours of sleep, and a total of 15-16 hours of sleep per 24 hours. How much nighttime sleep is your baby meant to get? Bonus question: Once you've determined the nap schedule, how do you teach your baby to stick to it? What naptime/sleep schedule would you propose for the baby? Show your work.
3. In order for both your baby and your breasts to be healthy and comfortable, it's important to spend equal time nursing on each side. At baby's last feeding, you nursed on the right side. This has the added bonus of ending with her in the correct position to slip easily into her cradle with her head at the end that is shown on the video monitor. At her next feeding, which side do you feed her on? Feeding her on the left means you either have to put her down at the non-video-monitored side, or perform a complex swoop-and-turn maneuver before putting her down, which might wake her up. If you feed on the right, her face will be in view of the video monitor, but your left breast will swell to twice the size of the right. What do you do? Explain your reasoning.
______________
(Yesterday was a hellish day, but last night was pure awesome. We went through a whole bedtime routine, lulled Gwen into sleep, crept quietly out of the room, and five minutes later she woke up - but didn't fuss, and in fact put herself back to sleep a few minutes later. She spent the entire night in her cradle in her very own room, which is a first. I still had to get up for three nightly feeds, but they all lasted less than 20 minutes and ended with her going back to sleep easily. Please may all nights be like this?)
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