Things I Never Knew I'd Have to Tell My Child

"It's not neccessary to hit Mama with your pants."

"Why did you just put your earwax in my mouth?"

"That's not cheese, it's a leaf. Please don't eat it."

"Gwen, we don't eat toes."


"That's not lip balm, it's cheese. Please eat it."


"Fine, so those noodles are your friends. Can you please eat some of your friends now?"

"We came up here to change your bum, not to climb on barbecues or vacuum cleaners."

"Please don't hit me with your food."