Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Symptom Festival

I mentioned to Chris a couple of nights ago that it was weird I had no pregnancy symptoms other than the fatigue/exhaustion. This was obviously a dumb thing to say, because I actually had about half-a-dozen symptoms at that time; they were just so insidious that I was taking them for granted and not connecting them to pregnancy. Moreover, within the next 24 hours, the two most horrific symptoms - the ones I remembered from last time - had reared their ugly heads.

I already had the exhaustion, the absent-mindedness, the lack of appetite (still! so weird), the sore breasts, the "full bladder" feeling, the mood swings, and the lovely warm glow that progesterone provides (aka "Get those fucking blankets off me right now"). Add to that the nasty tension headache, which affects either the back of my skull or the area right between my eyes, and today - drumroll please - Houston, we have nausea. As if I wasn't already disinterested in food.

This is where pregnancy really starts to kick my ass. I've got no appetite, and besides I'm exhausted, so I'd much rather lie on the couch than get myself something to eat. And if I am going to eat, it's going to be whatever I can grab instead of taking the time to make something healthy, because Hello - I could be lying down! All other considerations are secondary to the horizontal position of my body at any given time. Of course, not fuelling my body properly doesn't help me get any less tired. And I know that, but oh man, I just don't care right now.

I'm feeling pretty moody, too, and have a really short fuse. At any time I have a tendency to give up on things if they are difficult or complicated (whether tasks or relationships) and though I've done a lot of work to try and improve this habit, these days all that work seems to be out the window. In the past few days, I have given more than cursory thought to quitting/giving up on the following things: my choir, a friendship, my gym membership. It's like I don't have the reserves of patience and energy to work on finding a solution to problems; I'd rather just say "fuck it" and throw it out the window so I don't have to deal with it anymore. Fortunately, I have not had this temptation with my marriage or my job (knock on wood!).

The moodiness is quite out of hand, and seems a lot worse than last time. I really think that the physical symptoms are just bringing me down a lot more this time. Last time, I remember having the attitude, "Yes, I feel like crap, but it's all for a good cause," and could even summon a bit of excitement and pride in the symptoms I was having. Yes, I know it sounds insane, but I actually felt a thrill of pride the first time I threw up in the morning. This time, I don't have that joy or the feeling that it's all a new exciting adventure. I'd like to, but I can't figure out how to summon it. So the physical symptoms don't seem to have an upside for me, and I just can't seem to take a positive "glass is half-full" view.

If my last pregnancy is anything to go on, there are still symptoms I haven't got, bound to show up in the next few weeks. For example, I haven't had any food cravings to speak of, nor food aversions (last time, I lost interest in chocolate, which is downright bizarre). I haven't yet lost my sex drive. Sure, I'd rather be sleeping (10 hours or more a night sounds like a good start), but my body hasn't actually switched off. And another one I remember is weeping at the drop of a hat. Right now I feel more likely to strangle someone than cry, but that may change. Stay tuned.

I'm 5 weeks and 3 days today, 9 weeks until the second trimester starts.

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