Is there such a thing as being very pregnant? Chris argues that it is a binary state, similar to marriage - you are either pregnant, or you're not. You're either married, or you're not. You can't be "a bit married" or "a little pregnant" (I know at least one blogger who'd disagree). I know what he's getting at, though. In terms of being pregnant, experiencing the state of pregnancy, I am not actually any more pregnant than I was 30 weeks ago.
But oh Lord, I sure feel very pregnant.
I've gotten to the stage where I've forgotten what it's like to be not pregnant. That is, I know there were traits and concepts in my life and my physical being that were different, and I can list them, but I don't viscerally remember how they felt. I can't remember what it's like to be cold, for example (yesterday, a gray rainy day, I left the front door wide open because I couldn't stand the heat and stuffiness of our house). I can't remember what it feels like to breathe deeply, into my abdomen, as our pre-natal class instructor suggested we do during labour. The only thing in my abdomen is a baby, and I can't breathe through that no matter how hard I try.
I also realized this morning that while I love my body and think it is beautiful, and I am so amazed at what it is doing, I am not finding it very easy to be the person who lives in this body right now. Any respect and admiration I have for its incredible processes is from the point of view of an outsider, an admirer-from-afar. I should be so lucky.
Also, I don't know if it's genuinely another hormonal fluctuation or if I'm just tired and frustrated waddling around in this giant meat suit, but I am pretty grouchy lately. I am really feeling the limitations in my body, and that makes my temper short.
I am not quite at the stage yet where I throw my (sore, achy) hands in the air and stomp my (swollen, boxy) feet on the floor and declare myself done with pregnancy, get this thing out of me now because I can't stand another day. But I can see that stage coming, just over the horizon. It's just as well, I suppose, because only a month ago I was so wistful and blissful about pregnancy, reflecting that despite its frustrations and inconveniences I would really miss being pregnant once it was over. I'm not feeling so nostalgic about it now, to say the least.