November 19th

Today is/was my original estimated due date.

This date has never been far from my mind, through all the events of the spring, summer, and fall. I asked Chris if he'd remembered what today was, but he doesn't have the head for dates that I do (which in this case is perhaps a blessing). He also said he's been so focussed on our "real" due date - which he quickly amended to "current" due date - that he's obliterated the other one from his mind, somewhat. I don't blame him for this at all, but I'm just not capable of doing the same.

I feel like I should mark today, somehow, but I don't know how other than acknowledging it here. I feel okay, really - a bit wistful and melancholy for what might have been, of course, but on the whole I am in a good place and I am confident and happy about our current pregnancy. I'm past 16 weeks now, which is all kinds of crazy - I've missed four periods, I'm nearly halfway there, we've heard the heartbeat and are soon to see the ultrasound and feel the baby kick. These things are a pretty solid consolation for dealing with the loss of our November baby.

But I also want to note here two other things that have helped me heal in the past six months. The first was using my skills as a singer/songwriter to compose the following, which I call "ftb" (for the bean).

The sun is setting, evening’s comin on
Stars are appearing, another day is gone
You are my little one, and I love you so
Gently rocking, sweetly singing, soft and low

So goodnight, my little one, goodnight
Hush now and close your eyes, everything’s alright
Soon I’ll have to let you go but now I’m holding tight
So goodnight, my little one, goodnight

You grew within me and brightened every day
Til the day they told me you had gone away
You left an emptiness that only time can fill
But here inside my heart you’re with me still

So goodnight, my little one, goodnight
Hush now and close your eyes, everything’s alright
Soon I’ll have to let you go but now I’m holding tight
So goodnight, my little one, goodnight

Bridge
I’ll never know the reason why
Before we said hello, we had to say goodbye
Our hopes and dreams will wait and then
Someday you’ll be with me again

So goodbye, my little one, goodbye
I’ll keep your memory close as the days go by
(Hush my dear one, sleep serenely, now my lovely, slumber deep)
(Mother rocks you, humming lowly, hush my dear one, go to sleep)
Now it’s time to let you go, no more holding tight
So goodbye, my little one, goodbye
Goodbye, my little one, goodbye

I don't know if I'll ever get to record it, as I can't get through it without breaking down. But it was important for me to write it.

The second thing was a miscarriage butterfly necklace from La Belle Dame jewelry. The instant I saw this necklace, I knew it would be an important piece of my journey. It was as if by wearing the necklace on the outside, I could let go of some of the pain I was carrying inside, and still feel that I was acknowledging and honouring the life and death of my first child, not forgetting it in the name of "moving on". I chose to have the November birthstone - topaz - added to the butterfly as well. There has rarely been a day since I received the necklace that I haven't worn it. Every once in a while I wonder when I will feel okay about not wearing it every day, but I am accepting of the fact that that day hasn't come yet.

So, those are my healing tools. Those, and talking/journalling. I hope if anyone else out there reading this has the same kind of loss, that these tools might be of help to you as well.