I've been terrible at writing in this blog lately, and I don't even really have a cohesive reason why. Or to put it another way, I have eleventeen potential reasons why, but none of them are very interesting and none of them are big enough to explain my continued absence here. Enh. I think there is so much limbo in my life right now that I am constantly metaphorically holding my breath, and thinking that I'll come post when there's something to say. Because sometimes it feels like all I have to say is, "Everything's still the same. Nothing new." And that's a pretty lame post.
But, you know ... everything's still the same. Nothing new. One of the things about having a three-year-old instead of an infant is that she doesn't change as fast. And I don't have breastfeeding, diaper rashes, and sleep deprivation to rant about. I will say that I LOVE having a three-year-old; that Gwen is imaginative and affectionate and competent and energetic and adores exploring her world, and she is just completely freaking fun to be around. (I say this with the optimism of one who has not seen an earthquake tantrum in over a week ... how soon we forget.) I am over the moon about this little girl who loves to do stuff that I love to do, and with whom I can have endlessly entertaining conversations. I can't believe how lucky I am that she is my daughter.
And that's a point I've been reflecting on a lot, lately. I have a few friends with fertility troubles, at various stages of their journeys. I am so grateful for my healthy body and its ability to deliver a perfect, healthy baby with little heartbreak along the way. I am also reading The Boy in the Moon: A Father's Search for His Disabled Son which is just the latest in my long list of parenting memoirs about disabled children. I don't exactly know why I love to read these books (and these blogs) but I do. In any case, reading Brown's book reminds me just how lucky I am to have a healthy daughter. I don't deserve this luck, but here it is. Thank God (and I do). I really wish I'd known about options like donating eggs and surrogacy when I was still young enough to be of use to people.
The limbo with Chris's job situation also continues. I feel almost paralyzed trying to write about it. We never thought it would go on this long. There is tremendous hope and optimism in the recent opportunity to become a Deputy Sheriff, which would be such a wonderful fit for him. There is also a lot of frustration and dismay as this is a government job, and all government jobs in BC are currently on a hiring freeze (and have been since 2008), so we are continually getting conflicting messages about how the selection process will work and when the various steps will be completed. In the meantime he has started working a part-time retail job, which is good for him in many ways. It's nice to have something to fall back on if the bureaucratic goofiness of government work continues through the summer.
I was very sad recently when I had to cancel my annual Circle Tour that Gwen and I traditionally take at the end of May. There's no money, and even if there was, we only have one vehicle, which means I can't exactly take that vehicle away for ten days. Hopefully we will be able to do the trip in the fall and visit all the friends and family we can. It's a quiet time at my work right now, so I would have enjoyed the break. I'm trying to see the positive and plow on with my schoolwork. I'm so close to the end, and yet so unmotivated - not sure how to rectify that other than just forcing myself to get the work done.
So this is what it's like inside my brain these days. Random, mood-swingy, disconnected thoughts. Maybe you all should be glad I'm not posting more often.